Finding a place

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Keeping up with commitments to yourself is extremely difficult. When you aren’t answering to anyone else its hard to hold yourself accountable. Especially for someone like me: Other people have held me accountable my whole life, my parents, my teachers and my bosses have all handed me my assignments in neat packages. But, after recently making some serious commitments to myself and actually starting to put the changes into place I also see that the commitments to ourselves are the most important. They don’t come to us in nice packages or on sheets of paper with bullet point requirements. They are much more abstract. We have to create them. Our commitments to ourselves is what determines who we are and what we are working towards. website information . We have to commit to working towards out ideal self.

Until recently I don’t think I ever imagined myself creating anything substantial. I certainly didn’t understand that we make ourselves and that no matter how many of the universally agreed upon “right steps” we take, the world will not make us who we want to be. We have to do that ourselves. This was a hard realization. Although within the sentiment of self invention exists the idea of possibility and freedom, its scary to realize that you have to make yourself. Like most of my peers, I really have no idea what I want to be. I just want to eat pizza, play video games and drink beer. Is that a career? Part of my commitment is to exercise and eat better. I have been walking to work every day as an easy first step. Of course I downloaded several fitness apps and I have been watching the number of steps per day and calories burned register in the thousands. The numbers help to put a quantitative face on my activities. With just the simple act of walking to the office I have lost four pounds in two weeks! According to my nutrition App I am still consuming more calories then I am burning. So, starting next week it is my goal to jog to the office and then to start utilizing the gym there. When I told my mom over the phone that I was walking to work the first word out of her mouth was, “why?” I didn’t say it but I was thinking that she could use some walking of her own. I wanted to tell her that I’m trying to get into shape so that I don’t end up like her. But I bit my tongue and said no more of my plans. People are uncomfortable with change. I decided to say nothing more to my parents and surprise them with a slimmer, healthier me when I go see them for the holidays.

At work I am catching on quickly. The workload is oppressive and in true New York fashion they pile on as much as you can take. My boss isn’t a man of compliments, but the other day he pulled me aside and said that he appreciates my hard work and to keep it up. He was happy because I solved a coding problem that my immediate manager failed to see because it was deeper in the stack on a server in Canada and he was looking at our internal servers. I saw a poster at work for an after hours gaming development group. I went to my first meeting last Thursday. The group includes about half people from my office and a handful of outside faces. Everyone really knows what they’re talking about when it comes to gaming code and design. I could tell immediately that I had found a home away from home. Rather than feeling like my old group of nerdy college friends, the video game development group feels like laboratory for new tech ideas. I consider myself pretty informed about the world of technology, especially in video games, but at that first meeting I saw some things on computers that I have never seen before and couldn’t claim to understand.

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I felt like I was out of my league, but I showed the group some of my designs and they seemed to except me. I was surprised to meet Kate, a programer born not far from my hometown and the most beautiful nerd I have ever met. Meeting her inspired me even more to get myself together. Right now, I’m just trying to keep my commitments to myself to be a better man.

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